10 Ways to Cope with Difficult Family Events during Holidays
1. Make a Plan
Think back to patterns that have persisted over time and how they’ve shown up in past family gatherings. Anticipate unhealthy patterns and have a plan to block those patterns, or to take care of yourself amidst them. This is essential for self-protection and/or in developing new, healthier patterns.
What are you able to plan beforehand to change any part of the situation during the visit? This might include: setting up different locations (that are easier to get to/leave from), different times (briefer visits, scheduling in times to take a break), different activities, setting boundaries about what you will be able to do/not do, or discussing ideas on support with an ‘ally’ in your family or environment.
2. Plan Self-Care - Before, During and After
What does realistic self-care look like for you during this time?
Self-care is essential during the holidays, but also for the time around them. Plan something nice for yourself before you leave, and for when you return. What will help to prepare and soothe you? Is it lots of quiet time, baths and takeout? Is it going out to a fun event? Is it reading your favourite book? Having a calm mind before gathering with the family will aid in you holding on to yourself.
3. Ground Yourself
Practice grounding exercises before a family event, such as deep breathing or meditation. This could include quietly reflecting on things you are grateful for or looking forward to. This can ease stress, and help you to be less reactive during the event. You can also use your breath to keep calm when things get overwhelming.
4. Protect Your Truth & Honour Your Peace
“Here are a few principles to consider practicing during stressful interactions: profess your experience, protect your truth, and do what is needed to soothe your system. Application may look like making a mental note of your emotion, reaffirming facts, and doing something to honour your peace.” – LaShara Shaw, LCPC
5. Create & Keep Boundaries
As far as you can do it safely, establish and keep strong boundaries. If there’s a topic or behaviour that is out of bounds for you (within reason), state that up front and be clear. For example, “I’m not comfortable talking about my dating life right now.” And then, if necessary, restate those boundaries.
6. Remove Yourself
It may be that with some family members, you have tried everything that you have the capacity for, and the healthiest dynamic right now is distance. Honour that. Plan ways to limit time with them.
If you’re walking into an environment that you know is going to be stressful, think ahead about an exit strategy, even if it’s temporary. Where can you go take a break?
7. Bring a Happy Reminder
This can be a favourite photograph, a message from a friend, or a dog video – anything that makes you smile or laugh, to help relieve stress in a difficult situation. If you get overwhelmed, step away for a moment and look at your reminder.
8. Have Compassion for Yourself
“Practice self-compassion while you are with your family. Offer yourself the kindness you would a friend by saying ‘This is really hard’ or ‘I am sad that it is difficult to be with my family.’ Then ask yourself what you need and if you are able to meet that need then do it.” – Jessica McCoy, LMFT
What can you say to yourself in challenging moments? Write them down, on a piece of paper or in your phone, so they are easily accessible for you.
9. Don’t Be Afraid to Say No
“Consider changing traditions that don’t involve people that aren’t aligned with who you are. Choose to excuse yourself from holiday activities that you don’t feel comfortable going to. Remember, saying no to attending certain events or engaging in certain conversations doesn’t mean you don’t care about the people that are a part of them. It means that you are protecting your peace so you can continue to engage with people you care about without excess stress or resentment.” – Margot Charkow-Ross, LCSW, LICSW
10. Ask for Help
Working with a counsellor before family events, as well as debriefing afterwards, can be highly supportive. They can help you to unpack and address family issues, understand emotions, and communicate how you feel. If you’re looking for some help through this process, reach out today - email me for a free consult or book in a session today.
Adapted from https://www.choosingtherapy.com/difficult-family-holidays/